Tag Archives: Pain

The Pain of Weight Loss

I emotionally eat. It was always my downfall, especially when compounded by sugar, salt, and sweets.

Unfortunately this aided my gaining weight after my truck accident years back.

I have always suffered a lot of pain from this accident, but it is increasing and I’m in need of surgery.

The big problem is that I am becoming opioid resistant-meaning that I have built up a tolerance to pain medications.

All the while, I began to transition to different eating habits thanks to my time filming the upcoming movie.

I don’t find myself turning to food to sooth my pain or give me that quick relief that fades in minutes. I’m slowly becoming less of an emotional eater.

So what does someone do when they have nowhere to turn to for an outlet?

I have heard this problem happening with weight loss surgery patients whom have yet find a different source to turn to…and usually gain back most their weight.

It is just so difficult because I am not looking to put on weight and would enjoy some weight loss. Especially before surgery.

I just refuse to do it by going on a diet. This time it really needs to be something that I can live with doing for the rest of my life.

After over 400 interviews, I finally feel like I have it figured out.

The good news is that I am recognizing that I am emotionally eating. I see that I am emotionally eating as my outlet for pain.

Most importantly, I know that I won’t go down that road.

When Food Doesn’t Take The Pain Away Anymore

Almost three years ago I began the quest for “Finding Thin.”

During my quest to find thin, I started to gain even more weight.
Traveling all around the country interviewing Jillian Michaels, Bob
Harper, Tony Horton and more, was extremely stressful and offered very
few healthy eating opportunities throughout the way.

In truth, I used the stress as an excuse that in turn failed my body,
my health, and overall, myself. Emotional eating has interrupted any
successful weight loss for as long as I’ve ever known.

Last week I lost my beloved Pug and it was devastating. This was the
last of my dogs and the loss of two in a month or so time.
Barry Roskin Blake's Pug sleeping on the couch
My world was completely torn apart. Life didn’t feel right, even in my
own bed where I’ve been barely fighting off sleepless nights. Any
mention of my dog broke me into a million little pieces.

In the past, I’d usually turn to food to ease my pain, but this time
it just didn’t feel right.
It was as if someone put some sort of mind trap in me and I could not
reach for the food.
Suddenly there were just a few poor food choices…but I didn’t even
care. I believe that I even lost weight.

Whether or not this is because I feel so empty inside or not, I am not
sure. Though the one thing I know is that over the last couple of
months, I have felt very different when it came to emotions and
eating. I wasn’t even trying for weight loss and yet it seemed to be
coming naturally.

There is still internal pain that I have to get through, but there is
also that feeling of success for being able to deal with something as
devastating as this in such a different way.

I guess the point that I am trying to make is that even in the darkest
hours, there is still hope out there.

A Life Loss Turning into a Life Gain

I recently experienced the loss of a dog that had been my best friend for the last fifteen years. As I sat at the doctor’s office, it was the worst experience I had gone through within the last two years.

I know that some feel that a family pet is not the same as a human being in their eyes but we can agree to disagree on that point. I am not married and this dog was my immediate family.

If I could have gone with her, I possibly would have.

To temporarily soothe the pain, I stayed in bed and ordered in food that I knew were bad for me. It was emotional eating but I was very aware of it for the first time.

I just didn’t give a damn. There were friends for support but I didn’t want it. I wanted to punish myself for the loss of the dog that I felt responsible for.

While I tried and realize that it wasn’t my fault and I was doing the humane thing, but it still was my decision in the end.

I am starting to get better as I welcomed another dog that my mother adopted who is three years old. Originally, I was totally against it as I felt that it was a total betrayal.

Though I do think I am a good son who took my mother in to help take care of her and her other animals.

The interesting thing was that the dog took to me immediately and would not leave my side. Not even when I went to the bathroom.

So what was originally a dog that I did not want and was supposed to go to my mother, has now become my 2nd dog.

I feel her love and loyalty to her that I will work through any issues as she is not going anywhere.

Though the story gets even better…I was shooting a pickup shot yesterday where I went grocery shopping. I was supposed to fill the cart with a ton of unhealthy foods and I would then return then minutes after the shoot. Of course in the back of my head, I thought I would just keep them and eat my heart out.

I didn’t though and ended up returning the majority of all the foods by choice.

It just felt like it was the right thing to do for me. When people try and help you by pushing you to go on a diet, it never turns out. You have to give a damn first.

Through this emotional weight gain I’ve gained something even more…knowledge.

Hiding From The Truth

In the last couple of years I gained a significant amount of weight. I feel a bit shameful when I think about it; after all, I am working on a documentary called “Finding Thin”…

Last week, I stayed in bed most of the time. I did not move or eat much. I did not keep track of what I ate or how much I walked. My clothes have been getting tighter and tighter and I haven’t been able to do anything about it. I think I have been hiding from my issues and myself a bit too much.

I started seeing a new doctor. She is a general physician and used to be heavy too so she can totally relate to what I am going through. I thought of canceling the appointment this week because I know that I haven’t been doing what she asked me to. I feel like a kid that hasn’t done his homework.

I don’t understand: One day I get up and feel like I can do anything, the next day a cold hits me and I am back in bed. Some other days, I can’t take my back and neck pains anymore and I end up medicating myself so much that I cannot think straight. I think sleeping and medications are supposed to help me. When I sleep, I don’t think and I am not in pain, that’s why people who know me have seen me more often laying down on a couch than sitting at a desk. I don’t think I am being lazy.

This week I have to step on the scale. I am worried I will be heavier than 2 weeks ago. I read this book that advises neither getting up on the scale or worrying about numbers, they say it’s about clothing sizes. Last time I checked, I am wearing 3XL and it feels as painful as knowing that I weigh 344 pounds.

I am a bit lost. I think I want to change but I am not finding the continuous strength and motivation to do so. I keep on telling myself I will make it through but I always get back to not exercising enough and eating unhealthy.

Am I lying to myself or is change just an illusion?