Tag Archives: loss

This Has Been the Worst Month Of My Life

This has been the worst month of my life.

I lost two family pets which were my near and dear to my heart…practically children to me, regardless how others may feel.

I’ve really gotten to know who my true friends are. As for the phony ones, they are dead to me.

I thought I would emotionally eat during this time but I’ve only had a few bad days. Perhaps I even lost a few pounds, though that was not my intention.

After meeting with so many celebrities in the last few years making this film, maybe it is rubbing off.

I think back to Jillian Michaels, Ruby Gettinger, Dr. Judith Beck and even Bob Harper. Each and every one of them were so human and gave me strength. Even Michelle Bouchard from Dr. Oz’s Health Corps. was a positive influence.

Everyone wants to help but when you are in such emotional turmoil it seems like a lost cause.

I wake up in the morning and my little ones are not there.

Isolation has become my best friend.

It is ironic that all of this should takes place at the end of production. It has been over three years of my life that I have felt like I have forsaken so much.

I just always felt if I could effect just one person’s life other then my own, then it will all be worth it.

On this journey I have learned and experienced so much I can’t wait to share with you all on the screen.

It just never entered my mind how long and life changing this would be.

I now make two promises.

The first, is to finish this film for everyone.

The second, is to help the great foundations representing this very cause that I so believe in.

There has to be good that comes from this film and I will do whatever it takes to make it happen.

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My Visit With Ruby

Ruby Gettinger talking with Barry Roskin BlakeI traveled almost eighteen hours each way for this interview;  this was officially the longest trip I had taken by car for ‘Finding Thin’. After three years of researching the secret for what it was to truly “find thin”, it was coming to an end.

At first I had only seen Ruby on The Style Network a few times during  my fifteen hour work days on the film. But through Facebook, iTunes, Hulu, and YouTube, I was able to find hours of footage to look at and really get a feel for what Ruby was all about.

Originally I was going to simply interview her by phone but after watching her story….there was no way I was not going see this amazing woman in person. I felt like she was someone who I would immediately bond with; and I was exactly right.

With all my pain from the aftermath of my previous accident, every minute in the car felt incredibly daunting. But I refused to give in; this was going to be my final interview for the film, and Ruby was going to be the perfect finish.

When I first arrived, she looked different. Ruby had lost a great deal of weight and looked terrific. She was beautiful on both the inside and outside.  I ended up sitting with her on the couch and kitchen table with her family and friends, and I immediately felt at home.

Of course after losing my most beloved dog the other week, I had been in a very depressed state…probably the saddest I had ever been in a long time. Then I met Ruby’s beautiful dog. She sat between us during our first hour on the couch and fell asleep against my leg. It was one of the few interviews that I wanted to cry in. It was ironic that Ruby not only helped me as a person, but her dog got in on the action as well. I even offered her a thousand dollars for the dog; but like me, there wasn’t a price tag big enough for Ruby to let go of her “wo-man’s” best friend.

We shared so much in common and it was comforting. Some might ask, how could a woman who is heavy herself, help me? Well the answer is simple. We both could relate in a way that most thin people could not. We had gone through many of the same experiences and felt the same way about many issues.

Ruby has lost weight and is gaining happiness and hope along the way.  I wish I could tell you more about this inspirational woman, but you’ll have to wait until you see the movie.

In the meantime, check out Ruby Gettinger’s show because this is one beautiful, intelligent, and purely sweet person for which I am a better person for knowing.

A Life Loss Turning into a Life Gain

I recently experienced the loss of a dog that had been my best friend for the last fifteen years. As I sat at the doctor’s office, it was the worst experience I had gone through within the last two years.

I know that some feel that a family pet is not the same as a human being in their eyes but we can agree to disagree on that point. I am not married and this dog was my immediate family.

If I could have gone with her, I possibly would have.

To temporarily soothe the pain, I stayed in bed and ordered in food that I knew were bad for me. It was emotional eating but I was very aware of it for the first time.

I just didn’t give a damn. There were friends for support but I didn’t want it. I wanted to punish myself for the loss of the dog that I felt responsible for.

While I tried and realize that it wasn’t my fault and I was doing the humane thing, but it still was my decision in the end.

I am starting to get better as I welcomed another dog that my mother adopted who is three years old. Originally, I was totally against it as I felt that it was a total betrayal.

Though I do think I am a good son who took my mother in to help take care of her and her other animals.

The interesting thing was that the dog took to me immediately and would not leave my side. Not even when I went to the bathroom.

So what was originally a dog that I did not want and was supposed to go to my mother, has now become my 2nd dog.

I feel her love and loyalty to her that I will work through any issues as she is not going anywhere.

Though the story gets even better…I was shooting a pickup shot yesterday where I went grocery shopping. I was supposed to fill the cart with a ton of unhealthy foods and I would then return then minutes after the shoot. Of course in the back of my head, I thought I would just keep them and eat my heart out.

I didn’t though and ended up returning the majority of all the foods by choice.

It just felt like it was the right thing to do for me. When people try and help you by pushing you to go on a diet, it never turns out. You have to give a damn first.

Through this emotional weight gain I’ve gained something even more…knowledge.

The Loss of a Pet and Its Effect On Emotional Eating

A few days ago I lost my dog of fifteen years. Heidi was everything in the world to me. I have a few other pets including my beloved pug who woke up the first night screaming from a bad dream. This had never happened before.

My cats are staying close but I must admit that it is having an effect on my eating.

I am conscious that it is emotional eating but at the same time I found that I could actually account for the reason why. To put it simply, I didn’t give a damn. After letting go of my dog, whom I stayed with until the very end, I felt like a piece of me had died.

When I saw the final injection, I just wanted one for me as well. The heartbreak was the worst feeling I had felt in a long time.

Fortunately, the  members on my team all went out and bought a card. Although a kind gesture, it just made it even more real. Though I really do know who my friends are now and am very grateful to every one of them for their condolences.

It is just very hard to give a damn right now as every day I notice something seems to be missing…and  it is Heidi’s presence.

I used to tell people that emotional eating was wrong and to find another avenue but I am having a hard time practicing what I preach.

Emotional eating out of loss is one feeling that I have not had to deal with that often so for the first time in this film, I am not sure what to expect. Of course that is part of the deal about documenting my very real struggle in this film.

So to all who have gone through loss and are able to get past it successfully, I would really appreciate any advice that you may have in this pretty crappy time.


Weight Watchers: Week One

Last week was my first week back with Weight Watchers and it was not an easy one. The program is great and there are tons of nice people to support me at the meetings. What made it difficult was finding the time to eat three meals a day and to try and do it the right way.

And to add on top of the usual food agony, I had a personal loss that led to a couple of days of emotional overeating.

The one good thing to come out of this was that I realized my faulty eating was out of emotions; I could try and make different choices at any time. It’s just that I felt so heart broken that I didn’t care.

This is something that I will always need to work on. However, the fact that I could now identify these moments truly showed that I have been making progress.

Now I need to focus on getting back into a regular schedule of meetings and weighing myself on the scale. But most importantly, weighing myself and attending meetings without self-judgment

I have found that my biggest critic is myself and I don’t have to be.

So this week I am starting to feel better and exercise to get those endorphins running again. It is just nice to know that with this film and the community that I am trying to build, I know one thing for sure… I am not alone.