I want to be thin. I would LOVE to be thin by tomorrow but that is just a dream. Fixing twenty-thirty years of bad eating habits is not the easiest thing to do. Going through a dozen of diets through my life always made me feel miserable.
Right now, I am trying to stay within a certain amount of calories and exercise while still enjoying myself. The thing is I am an emotional eater. When things go wrong, I turn to food as comfort. When things go right, I celebrate with food.
Sometimes I feel like I took the wrong path and I can’t back up to turn around, almost as if being fat has paralyzed my life. I recently had my birthday. It feels like I have just woken up from a twenty-year coma. All my friends and family aged but I stayed the same, time flew by.
Ever since my car accident five years ago, I have been spending my time in and out of hospitals and experiencing horrible back and neck pains. I lived on pain meds for years thus turning my life into a thick fog. I realized that I am not happy:
I live at home taking care of my morbidly obese mother and it is not fun at all. I now know I could leave and she would be ok but I got used to the area and I would be sad to leave people I care about. I would really love to move to Colorado though, it’s the one place that would make me happy.
Do I need to be happy first and then lose weight? Or do I need to lose weight to be happy? I don’t even know anymore, I feel lost in my own shadow…