Today, I finally decided to join the online dating world. I say “finally” because I have been thinking about it for a while but never had the courage to sign up for it. I always thought people wouldn’t want to date me because I am fat.
Actually, even when I lost a lot of weight, I still didn’t date. I always had tons of excuses/reasons not to: Fear not to be liked, cost, work schedule, low self esteem etc… A few hours ago, I found the strength to get out there and start meeting people online.
I hope I can find someone who loves me for who I am without judging me by the cover. The world has so much to offer and I would like to share it with somebody. I am still worried about being rejected. Sometimes, I can hear my parents’ voices from my childhood telling me “Nobody will want to date you if you’re fat”, it doesn’t help my insecurity.
Funny how I chose the film industry as a career: one of the toughest and most judgmental fields out there. I guess it’s because I am more comfortable and self-confident acting than being myself. When I act and produce, I have a wall to protect myself and I feel more alive.
However, since I am judging myself by the cover, how can I expect other people not to? I wonder how many ‘thin’ people out there would want to date somebody like me…