In the last couple of years I gained a significant amount of weight. I feel a bit shameful when I think about it; after all, I am working on a documentary called “Finding Thin”…
Last week, I stayed in bed most of the time. I did not move or eat much. I did not keep track of what I ate or how much I walked. My clothes have been getting tighter and tighter and I haven’t been able to do anything about it. I think I have been hiding from my issues and myself a bit too much.
I started seeing a new doctor. She is a general physician and used to be heavy too so she can totally relate to what I am going through. I thought of canceling the appointment this week because I know that I haven’t been doing what she asked me to. I feel like a kid that hasn’t done his homework.
I don’t understand: One day I get up and feel like I can do anything, the next day a cold hits me and I am back in bed. Some other days, I can’t take my back and neck pains anymore and I end up medicating myself so much that I cannot think straight. I think sleeping and medications are supposed to help me. When I sleep, I don’t think and I am not in pain, that’s why people who know me have seen me more often laying down on a couch than sitting at a desk. I don’t think I am being lazy.
This week I have to step on the scale. I am worried I will be heavier than 2 weeks ago. I read this book that advises neither getting up on the scale or worrying about numbers, they say it’s about clothing sizes. Last time I checked, I am wearing 3XL and it feels as painful as knowing that I weigh 344 pounds.
I am a bit lost. I think I want to change but I am not finding the continuous strength and motivation to do so. I keep on telling myself I will make it through but I always get back to not exercising enough and eating unhealthy.
Am I lying to myself or is change just an illusion?