I have been accused over the years of only seeing black and white with no space in the middle for gray. Sort of something I grew up with over the years with a lot of personal issues of disappointment and distrust. It affected me the most the other day when I took out some of my mistrust and personal frustrations on my closest friend and business partner on this film.
I thought things were bad enough at that event by itself but it led to a food order that I knew I should not have eaten from my favorite local Asian restaurant. Though I did overeat, I luckily still did not end up falling off the wagon and reverting back to my truest of enemies–the addictive sugar bug.
What I did learn though was that in the hardest of circumstances, I still wanted to use food to turn to or to use as a way to give up. The question was whether I was giving up on a situation, a battle or myself. I had struggled over the last five weeks but never this bad.
Maybe it was facing certain truths about myself and the fact that as with life, I still could not find a middle ground. What scares me most about the gray area is the unknown. Learning to not only trust others but trust myself. Could self acceptance and happiness truly be hiding out there somewhere in that great abyss?
It was so much easier with my old way of thinking that if you had a bad day of eating, then you might as well eat like there was no tomorrow.
Luckily, this time I truly knew there was a tomorrow and ramifications for my actions, so I stopped after that and did not go into a binging mode but a self exploration of why and what I had done.
I want to learn from these hard times. Suffering only happens if you take nothing from it.
So the big thing for me is to learn to trust myself and then I can start trusting others. There is something better to be found out there in the great middle ground of gray and balance.
This journey is a big one and I am thankful for all I have learned so far from all the fantastic experts I have spoken on camera with and the final leg of this tour begins and ends with myself.
return to finding thin